A Is for Ambush: Twenty-Six Years Behind the Quizmaster's Microphone

Every Thursday at half past seven, the back room of The Brown Cow falls silent in a way it never does the rest of the week. Twenty-odd teams, heads bent over answer sheets, one man at the microphone. That man is Brian, and he has been our quizmaster for twenty-six years — longer than some of our bar staff have been alive, and considerably longer than our current carpet.

We asked him how it all works. He said he'd only do it his way. His way, it turns out, is alphabetically. So here it is: the quizmaster's alphabet, from A to Zed, with occasional interruptions from the kitchen.

A Is for Ambush

"An ambush question," Brian explains, "is one that looks easy and isn't." His favourite: "How many stripes on the Union Jack?" Every table writes four. The answer is none — there are no stripes, only crosses and saltires. He has been thrown out of better establishments for that one. Or at least asked to calm down.

B Is for the Buzzer Round

We don't have buzzers. We have six teams who all claim they said "St Helena" at the same time, and one man in the corner who definitely didn't. Brian's ruling is final. His rulings have been described as "Solomon-like" by nobody.

C Is for Categories

Every quiz needs structure: general knowledge, a picture round, the music round, and the one everyone dreads. Brian rotates his categories like a farmer rotates crops, so no round gets overgrazed.

D Is for Disputes

"The dispute process is sacred," he says, deadly serious. If a team challenges an answer, Brian consults his reference folder — a bulging ring binder that has outlived three encyclopedias. If the folder is ambiguous, the table votes. If the table is split, the answer stands and everyone buys a round. This is, he admits, not a perfect system, but it is a profitable one for the pub.

E Is for Envelopes

The tiebreaker lives in an envelope. Nobody knows the question until it's needed. The current envelope has been unopened since February, which Brian takes as a personal compliment.

F Is for the Folder

Ah, the folder. Twenty-six years of clippings, printouts, and a page from 2004 that just says "NOBODY KNOWS WHY THIS IS HERE" in Brian's handwriting. It is, in its way, a historical document.

G Is for Geography

Brian's strongest subject. Ask him the capital of any landlocked African nation and he'll tell you, then tell you its second city, then ask if you're buying.

H Is for Half Marks

The zealots. Every quiz has them — the team who demand half a point for "Charles" when the answer was "Charlie". Brian's policy: "Spelling doesn't count unless it's a spelling round. Attitude counts against you always."

I Is for the Incident

We press him on the round that had to be thrown out mid-quiz. He goes quiet. It was 2011. The music round was, unbeknownst to Brian, entirely songs from one album — because his nephew had made the CD and, it turned out, only owned one album. "Fourteen teams, one answer sheet, all identical," he says. "We threw the round out and did an emergency round on Lancashire rivers instead. There were complaints for a year. Some people still bring it up." We are bringing it up now.

J Is for Jokes

Between questions, Brian delivers the sort of groan-worthy asides that are less comedy than weather. Regulars time their groans. Newcomers are confused. This is tradition.

K Is for Knowledge

Or, as Brian puts it, "knowing just enough about everything to be useless at dinner parties."

L Is for the Local Round

Once a month, all questions are about Chatburn, Downham, Clitheroe and the wider Ribble Valley. It is the most fiercely contested round of the month, and the only one where the vicar's team has been accused of an unfair advantage. The accusations were, we should say, entirely fair.

M Is for the Microphone

A 1990sShure that Brian refuses to replace. It has been dropped, spilled on, and once used to conduct the entire back room in a rendition of "Hey Jude" after a particularly good picture round. It works perfectly. Unlike the karaoke machine, which works never.

N Is for New Teams

Brian is protective of them. "Everyone remembers their first quiz," he says. "You sit there thinking everyone's a genius. Then you learn that everyone's just watched a lot of telly." New teams get a gentle first round and a free bowl of chips. House rule.

O Is for Obsolete

Questions about things that no longer exist — the ITV franchise changes, dialling codes, whatever happened to Little Chefs. Brian maintains these keep the older teams humble and the younger teams baffled, which he considers a fair outcome.

P Is for Prizes

A ten pound voucher, a bottle of something, and the eternal glory of having your team name read out. Team names, incidentally, are half the entertainment. Current champions: "The Cowabungas." We didn't choose it.

Q Is for Quiet, Please

The phrase Brian says most, after "and the answer was," and "no, Derek."

R Is for Rigging

There is none. Brian is emphatic. The questions are written on Wednesday nights at his kitchen table, sealed in an envelope, and his wife confirms he doesn't even tell her. Though she does, he concedes, have an unusually good quiz record when she plays as a sub.

S Is for the Sports Round

The round that divides the room down the middle like the Ribble itself. Brian keeps it short out of mercy.

T Is for Thursday

Obviously. Twenty-six years of Thursdays. That's over 1,300 quizzes, in the region of 20,000 questions, and one thrown-out music round that we've agreed to stop mentioning.

U Is for Under the Table

Where phones go during rounds, in theory. Brian has developed a sixth sense for the tell-tale glow. He doesn't always say anything. He just looks. It's worse than saying anything.

V Is for Victory

"Winning isn't the point," Brian says, before admitting that he keeps a list of all-time champions on his kitchen wall.

W Is for Zed... Wait, No

We're getting ahead of ourselves. W is for the Winner's Curse: the champions pick next month's tiebreaker category, which means the champions usually lose next month. Brian designed this. He describes it as "the closest thing to justice the Ribble Valley has."

X Is for Xylophone

The only X question Brian has ever used, in a music round, in 2009. He's still proud.

Y Is for Yelling "Forty-Two"

Which someone does every single week, regardless of the question. Brian has made peace with it. Mostly.

Z Is for Zed

Because we're British, and because Brian insisted. Z is also for the end of the night: answer sheets swapped, scores read out, chips circulated, and the back room emptying into the Lane at half past nine. Twenty-six years on, the questions change but the ritual doesn't.

Fancy testing yourself? The quiz runs every Thursday from 7:30pm, teams of up to six, phones in the middle of the table. Book a table or just turn up — and if you spot the answer to the 2004 folder page, Brian would genuinely like to know.